I can’t believe that a year has passed already. I had high hopes of accomplishing great things during my time off, even finding a better job, but to no avail. This morning I sit with my cup of tea, nerves building, wondering how I will cope with my first shift back, my first shift on a different ward. I know a lot has changed in the last 12 months, operating systems, paperwork, equipment etc., yet I also know that nothing will have changed, patients will still need care and for the most part I’m grateful that changes very little. It’s always uneasy to move in a different direction or to go back to something that you thought you were free from.
I know at the beginning of last year I definitely didn’t want to go back to nursing, back to where I had just left anyway, but it is amazing the difference a year makes. Nursing has been a gift in my life even if I have not always seen it that way. It is something I have always been able to rely on for a steady income to support myself and my family. I have drifted in and out a few times now, but always seem pulled back to it for one reason or another – it is what I know best. This year marks my 30thyear as an RN and never in a million years would I have thought I’d still be doing the same job I trained for out of school.
But I gained some perspective having the time off, I realized I’m not ready to give it up completely just yet. I felt lost, unfocused, easily distracted (which I am at the best of times but more so). I felt like I had nothing to motivate myself to get the most out of my life. That’s not to say I wasn’t busy or doing other things, but rather they were not constant. I missed the routine I had known for the last 15 or so years, of knowing exactly where I would be and what I would be doing.
If these last 12 months was a taste of retirement, I will definitely have to find something to immerse myself in, be it a hobby, volunteer work or something else – anything to push me to get up and get going, anything for a bit of routine. It was and is so easy to waste a considerable amount of time, getting lost in social media, reading, watching TV. Half a day could disappear without even trying. In some ways, I’m a little worried how I will fit all I want to do in around working again, I’m a bit out of practice.
Looking back, it has been a great year and I feel very grateful and privileged to have had the opportunity to have an extended break from work. It has been a year to contemplate my future. A year of healing – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. A year to catch up and spend quality time with my family. It has been a year of learning to stop and listen to what my body, mind, and soul need and to act in accordance with that, something I am still yet to master. I am learning though, however slow, and while taking baby steps may be frustrating at least I’m still moving forward. So onward and upward, a sure as the sun will always rise, life will go on… and I am beginning again.