18 April 2017

Today marks the last day off before my last three days of work, and the thought of going back tomorrow night does not thrill me. It is one of those things that unless you work at a job doing shift work you cannot really understand or appreciate the toll it takes on your body, your mood, and your ability to have a normal life (whatever that is).

I have worked mainly nights (9:30pm to 7:30am) for about the last 12 years barring self enforced breaks back on to a rotating roster for a few weeks at a time or extended time off work due to illness or injury. It takes its toll, and being a mum looking after kids for most of that time I have put myself and my health on the back burner.

I know over the last few years it has been a little easier, since now I am an empty nester and have been able to take a bit of time out for myself, but prior to this I have had to juggle work, sleep, running kids around, teaching them to drive, cooking, cleaning, studying, renovating etc, etc. And during those years I have missed out on so much. I have missed school presentations, soccer games, dance recitals, birthday parties, dinners out with friends and family, school graduations, school formals and countless other events and activities.

Most days I feel a lack of energy and have to force myself to get up and get going, today being no exception. While I am working I most often I sleep 4-6hrs through the day (I have slept less, which is definitely not recommended). I find I have days where I walk around in a brain fog, so tired that by the end of the day I am bumping into walls. My memory is not as good as it used to be, I have recently realized I have chunks of it missing. I looked at a photo the other day and didn’t remember much about where/when/why it was taken. I wonder if having an extended time away from the shift work if that will improve, I certainly hope so…

21 April 2017

Today I dragged myself out of bed – tonight will mark my last shift for the next 12months. I am feeling shot at and missed, tired enough to have stayed in bed (all night and sleep) but awake enough knowing I have to go back to work tonight and do it all again. I usually wake up and lay in bed tossing and turning for about an hour or so before I get up, hoping against all hope that I might just get a few more precious minutes of sleep. When I finally surface it is like everything is happening in slow motion. At times I cannot access anything from my brain – all thought disappears (which is very foreign to me most of the time). During these few hours before I venture back to the hospital it is very hard to access facts, words or even string a sentence together. Sometimes I cannot think of a particular word or it takes me a while to register that my hubby is talking to me or has asked me a question. I feel like I am constantly asking him to repeat himself – sometimes even then I still don’t get what he has said, I’m sure he thinks I am ignoring him, the truth is stuff just doesn’t register. It’s like my body is awake and functional but my brain is still trying to sleep. Like my brain is an old fashioned boiler, starting from cold it takes awhile to get the fire stoked and get the old thing warmed up and working properly. I am much more alert by the time my shift starts and can be a little wired the morning after.

Tomorrow and the day after are the toughest days of my week. The day coming of my last shift is a balancing act. Many shift workers especially those that do extended nights know that there is no good option to help make it work; most of us do what we do by means of trial and error, we try everything to make our lives easier, but there is always a sacrifice to be made. Some people stay on a pattern of nights, sleeping only through the day, and therefore living opposite to everyone else. Then there are the rest of us who try to flip back into a normal wake/sleep pattern in line with the rest of our tribe. This time has come to be known in my family as changeover day, where you have to balance sleeping through the day (just enough) and then going to sleep again that night. Changeover day consists of staying up for a few hours (until 9:30 – 11) then sleeping for no more than 4 hours, any more really wreaks havoc with the night time routine. I usually force myself to stay up if I get up for a toilet break any time after two hours, I have found this works best for me, if I don’t then I won’t sleep well at night (and I have trouble with that at the best of times). So when I get up some days I’m dancing out of my skin, full of energy but the norm is often very different. I can usually manage to drag myself downstairs and on to the lounge where I veg out for the rest of the day.  Often times I feel like shit and have no motivation to do anything, although there have been times that I have gone to dinners, weddings etc in this state… soooo not recommended. I tend to sleep well when I do finally fall into bed anytime after 11pm.

The day after is a lottery also, sometimes I feel OK and other times I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. It usually depends how heavy my last couple of shifts were. On these days I can’t seem to get out of my own way to get motivated to do anything. This pattern has been every weekend (barring time off work) for the last 12 or so years. It is no life… and it takes weeks of not doing it to get back into a normal pattern.

26 April 2017

Still days after my last shift and my sleeping is no better, I woke this morning with the good intentions of going for a walk at 6am – no way, it didn’t happen. I feel like I have been awake all night and am feeling quite exhausted this morning, it has taken a good 3 hours to start feeling OK – and I am just feeling OK and no better. I will drag myself through another day, putting one foot in front of the other. I am babysitting this afternoon, so if I am lucky I will get a nap while bubby is sleeping. If not, it is going to be a long day… and so goes my life until normality returns (however long that will take is anyone’s guess).